Musing of a terribly intelligent woman

loving all of me and my experiences

Some will love me and some will fear me because I don’t sugar coat my life, or hide the darkness…I am actively and always striving to face and heal the darkness. I always felt hurt growing up when people disliked me for this quality…but now I am secure in myself and love myself enough to be ok with not everyone liking me….And to let go of the need to be liked and loved by everyone. I also no longer feel the need to help the entire world grow and transform… all I can control is my own growth and transformation….And to strive to be a good guide for others, especially my kids. Life is not about making the right choice all the time….Life is about facing our choices head on and making the best out of what life throws our way.  We will all make a ton of mistakes, and that is how we grow, so I no longer try to run from mistakes, I no longer try to be perfect or put on a facade of being perfect. And I want to honour all of my experiences…the good and bad, for both the darkness and the light are what make us whole and integrated beings.

habitualizing is not feeling

I always considered myself an emotionally in-tune person, but I am now only realizing just how many of my emotions I suppressed all of my life – in childhood and in my adult life. I think we all do it. We get so accustomed to this as being normal (when it is incredibly toxic and unhealthy) that we don’t even know any different, so that when we actually start feeling our feelings, we feel panic or anxiety and it feels alien because we are not used to feeling our loneliness and our fears. Only once we get used to feeling our feelings on a daily basis do we realize just the magnitude of the mountain we have been holding in our entire lives. The way to manage our anxiety, is not to distract (or medicate) ourselves – it is to fully embrace the feelings and feel through them, and while being gentle and loving with ourselves. When the feelings move through us, we feel lighter and we can feel the healing happening. And what happens when we don’t heal and integrate those feelings? More people and circumstances are manifested in our lives that bring up those feelings. But what do people usually do? They usually continue to find more clever ways to NOT FEEL -which compounds and brings on more and more circumstances and people, until someone is feeling at their rock bottom: feeling trapped in a job or relationship, feeling like they have no control over their life, feeling like they are just going through motions, but not fully living their life. Sometimes people also live on the safe side – never taking risks, never fully growing into themselves so that they can keep avoiding their pain, avoiding anything in life that might be perceived to be too unpleasant and difficult. But by avoiding life and fully living life, we are only delaying our healing. Eventually we hit a wall and think we have bad luck and feel sorry for ourselves, or blame God or blame life or the people around us, never quite taking responsibility for running away from ourselves. It is easy to fall into a victim mentality and blame everything and everyone around us, but it is more liberating to break free from the victim mentality and to thank our “opponents” and hardships from bringing into our experience the very things we need to heal our long buried feelings.

how our energy works

No, energetic beings of all vibrations are not stuck unless they consciously choose to be stuck. But it does get harder to clear our emotional blocks the longer we run away from them, because the feelings get more intense and the fear of facing those feelings compound. What most people fail to understand is that energy either moves towards entropy or centropy, so even if you think certain thoughts and emotions are out of sight, out of mind, they begin to take on a life of their own, and our lives become more chaotic until we face and clear those emotional blocks. That is one reason we feel bad and drained of energy when we cocreate with someone of a lower vibration. Our energy moves from us unless we consciously keep it close. That is why it becomes harder and harder to stay in an intimate relationship if people start growing in different directions  (or descending/ascending in their energy) and their vibrations start to grow apart. It can become physically uncomfortable to be close when two people have different points of vibration. Just like if we ingest  junk food we can start to notice the effects almost immediately if our bodies are used to nutritionally dense food. Our bodies are pretty good to tell us what feels right in the long-run and what just gives us a temporary high but will soon crash our energy. People have just become trained at ignoring their emotions and the signals their body and intuition send them.

Imperfect people

Honestly…people are not here on Earth to be perfect. If you have people in your life who are willing to grow, heal, face their emotional blocks and be better people, and if you are doing the same, you are richer then most. We can’t ever manipulate someone into wanting to heal. That will never work, this desire is born from within. We can only help guide another who wants to grow, and be guided by someone who has worked through and faced the challenges we are presently faced with.  So there is very little point in trying to find the perfect partner, or in trying to instill perfection in ourselves or our kids, because perfection  doesn’t exist. But it sure is beautiful to heal, grow and expand. And it is ok to let others go if they are not ready to grow and our paths diverge. It doesn’t help anyone to keep ourselves stuck vibrationally for another.

imperfect parents

I realized very recently that the true gift we give to our kids is not presenting a supposed “perfect” version of ourselves…But rather in allowing them  to see our imperfections, so they can witness how we face challenges and and grow, and they will feel more confidence in facing their own challenges and have more confidence that their challenges are not a doom and gloom end of the road, but rather a new begininning, a new doorway  into yet another part of our consciousness that we integrate as we learn and heal.

relationships, challenges and boundaries

My relationships have taught me about love and boundaries, and communication and processing emotions in a healthy way…Also about taking responsibility to face ourselves and mature, process and moving through difficult feelings. Facing the dark aspects of ourselves and our relationships, teaches us that we are capable of navigating even the darkest tunnels and reaching the light that is in our hearts, so that we can shine it outwards as we love ourselves and those close to our hearts.  Eventually all relationships are tested…lovers, husband and wife, parent and child, extended family, friends…even coworkers. If two people face these challenges from a stand point of gratitide in the lessons they can learn from the challenge, light is just around the corner, so don’t give up on your ability to meet these challenges in healthy ways that will enrich your spirit and life. However, If someone refuses to face themselves, their emotions, and meet these challenges in healthy ways…it might be time to let this person go. You can’t lift someone from their life challenges (you can guide and support as much or as little as you are able while maintaining healthy boundaries so that you don’t get drained)…Trying to save someone from experiencing all challenges is essentially rescuing and allowing them to be codependent, so that they will not have the confidence to walk their path and learn the lessons the challenge is meant to teach.

What is the 3rd Dimension, the 4th, what is Heaven and Hell?

k…so keep in mind that this information I get when I channel my spirit guides. So as you are aware, the 4th and lower dimensions are about duality. The upper 4th dimension is more what we view as heaven. The lower 4th dimension is what we view as hell. Now hell is self-created. It is a place of learning, not punishment, but also a place of no distraction, unlike earth.There are still guides there to help souls learn and transcend. The higher dimensions (5th and 6th) do not have duality, but not because there is no negativity, but because by this point souls have learned how to work with energy and now to transcend negativity and there are adventures and things to explore beyond the duality paradigm. Duality on earth is here for us to experience contrast, so that we can learn how to manifest what we desire, and so that we learn that we are all connected, that separation is a myth, so that we to learn to manifest what we desire for our greater good and the greatest good of all.

So if someone has a life of duality where they were not able to learn lessons, there is a soul review when they die, but sometimes they are still so stuck in their own negativity that they are in a sort of self-created hell where they need to learn to face their feelings, themselves and feel themselves fully and love and accept themselves. By doing this we raise our vibration, and we move from the lower to the upper dimensions basically through what we consider to be thought, but it is really through feeling. I am writing this in multiple messages because I am on my phone so I don’t want the messages to get erased -sometimes that happens and I have to start over and it is very frustrating.
So…the main difference between the 3rd and 4th dimensions is that manifestation is more instant, Earth is a sort of school where the energy is denser and manifestation is delayed, so we can learn to a bit of control over our feelings, learn how to work through and accept all range of feelings and move up the emotional scale so to speak. Things like drugs, alcohol, lack of sleep, etc thin the veil between the dimensions. If you are already in a bad spot, and typically you are because most people do drugs and alcohol as a means to escape themselves, then you will be at a vibrational match to the lower vibrational beings in the 4th dimension. If you were to harness the power within you, the 3rd chakra of the solar plexus and face your fear, in that moment, and focus on love instead of fear, then those lower dimensional beings cease to have power/control over you. The universe is based on free will, so in a way it is your fear that gives your power over to them. A quick way of raising your vibration is to image a protective white light around you. Another way is gratitude. If you are a match to these lower vibrational beings, the fact that they are in your reality, they have something to teach you about yourself, even if that is not their intent. They are not stuck in the lower vibrations, but they feel stuck and they are not sure how to work up their own emotional scale in order to increase their vibration, so they exist by feeding off of our lower energy of fear, anger, hate, etc.
But you can’t raise their vibration, they can’t lower yours, but they can try to manipulate yours by making you fearful or angry, etc. By expressing gratitude to them, for forcing you to face your fears and work up your own emotional scale, then in fact you are increasing your vibration and they leave your reality at least. But it is difficult to overcome fear, so easier said then done. But it could be that in that moment you decided to drop everything and leave, you asserted enough personal power that you were no longer a vibrational match. Anger is higher up the vibrational scale then fear, but is often an umbrella emotion with a lot of other emotions underneath that you need to accept and work through, and let go. Often this is like peeling the layers of an onion, the more you heal, the more repressed emotions you feel and accept and let go, the more will keep rising up for as long as there are repressed emotions. That is why there are people who come into our lives who act as triggers, those who make us angry, hateful, afraid, make us feel stuck, etc. Usually relationship partners and our kids can be our biggest triggers to unresolved emotions that make us feel stuck, keep us at a lower vibration. It is helpful to remember that you can never save anyone, you can just guide with your own healing/light/love, etc. So you can’t actually ever help a lower vibrational being, whether in this dimension or the 4th by keeping your vibration low. They have their own emotions and karma to work through, and they feel stuck in lower vibrations because they are running away from themselves, and often they feel stuck in so much pain that they get a sense of entitlement to take from others.
I suppose I was “lucky” enough to learn about all this, and learn how to channel and process my own emotional body and learn about energy, etc because I was a match to my husband…we had a similar childhood of emotional neglect, narcissistic parents, and hence grew up with disorganized attachment patterns.. He had the cherry on top by also being sexually abused. He invited lower vibrational entities to hang around him through excessive pot use and an intimacy disorder whereby he had compulsions to disconnect with others through more self-destructive interactions. But usually when you start to heal your own emotional body, it can be contagious and others around you either start to heal or disappear from your life, and the same is true with lower vibrational beings in the 4th dimension. If you start to raise your vibration by healing your emotional body, getting sleep, eating well, grounding yourself in nature, forming deeper connections (that typically benefit you and those around you) vs just surface connections (that are typically more manipulative and appear to be more self-serving even as they are simultaneously self-destructive), etc then these lower vibrational entities are repelled and they leave. Either that or they start to heal, but usually they are repelled because they need to initiate their own healing since this is a free will universe. I think if you are going to do astral projection, it is very important to be in a good place vibrationally and to do frequent grounding. Like on earth, you can’t always avoid negativity, but you can learn to transform it in healthy ways so that it won’t impact you in negative ways, if that makes sense. Hope that has helped a bit. I have never seen these negative entities. I have seen ghosts and I have felt the negative energy around my husband’s aura. As an empath, before I learned how to shield and clear energy, sometimes those entities would attach to me. This happened growing up too because both my parents had depression and anxiety and were closed off to their emotions or else reacted in constant panic, fear etc…and as an empath this led me to have chronic health issues, from absorbing this energy. Only now I am actually learning how to shield and have boundaries so that I don’t absorb other people’s negative energy and so I don’t have other negative entities attach to my aura.

I think maybe if we take away anything from this, is not to fear the lower vibrational beings. We still have things to learn from them, and it is not about avoiding them per say, as it is about learning to work through our own emotions, so that we can in fact grow and transform through the negative experiences. Charles Baker is right, it is not all sunshine and rainbows, contrast helps us learn. If you can turn those situations from a vibration of fear, to a vibration of gratitude for what you learn and how you grow from it, then you are already raising your vibration and transcending those negative experiences. The universe will always have some ying and yang components, it is what we do with them that really determines how much joy we feel and how we learn and grow, etc. Nothing is stagnant, the universe is all about diversity and expansion.We can feel stuck, but we are never truly stuck.


It can be frustrating to send love to those that can hurt us, but it is important none the less, that is the only way we grow and pave the way for their growth. You can’t grow for them but you can plant little seeds of potentiality. At the same time we need boundaries so that we don’t lower our vibration. It is a delicate balance. It is really NOt about being a martyr….you have to know and honor your own limits.

I Do Not Want any more Kinder Egg Relationship Surprises

This is a documentary film about male role models and how gender norms on men are detrimental to them, and it affects how men behave with others in this society.

The following is my response to the topic covered in the film.

I don’t want any more kinder egg surprises…this is a metaphor, and some will know what I am talking about. We live in a culture where kids, especially boys, are taught to repress their emotions. It has taken the past 12 years in our relationship for Tyler to start facing his emotions and working through them and growing. I am proud of him. But looking back, I never dated anyone who didn’t have some form of emotional blockage/emotional repression. Looking back I clearly had so many of own emotional blocks that I am still working through. It manifests in SO many ways: all sorts of addiction (love, gambling, sex, drugs, alcohol, food etc), workaholic, poor communication, pushing people away, being controlling because you fear being out of control (of your life), not being true to self and bending your boundaries for others, being too ridged with your boundaries and not opening yourself up to intimacy and connection, etc. (list can go on and on). You really just never know how emotional repression is going to manifest and in what type of behavior. And yeah I feel done with it. One conscious, self-aware relationship that on a brutally slow path to authenticity is enough to last me an entire life time. Even getting to the point where someone is aware enough that they are running away from themselves and their own feelings – is so exhausting. Most people never get there, they never wake up in this lifetime. So kudos to those that do. But I want no more surprises. I can’t do bandage relationships that are focused on new relationship highs and serial monogamy (they seem like heaven until they unravel because hey – surprise we are people with deep souls and wounds to heal). It is too draining and exhausting. One conscious romantic relationship is really enough to last a person a lifetime. Sure people stay in unconscious relationships for life times. People settle, people jump ship and start all over again to try to get to the same point of realizing they have to face their emotional blocks and grow up – or leave and start again (yippee for serial monogamy), or settle in an unconscious relationship. Or worse yet – one person starts to wake up and the other stays asleep (and usually the one who stays asleep leaves the relationship). But all these options are so exhausting. No wonder I need meditation, walks and naps. This documentary shows WHY it is SO important to be emotionally vulnerable with ourselves, with our kids, to teach emotional IQ, to be open and vulnerable with our kids and LET them feel a full range of emotions, validating their emotions, even if we do not feel comfortable or agree with these emotions, teaching kids how to process their emotions in healthy ways, etc.

BY ALL Means – if you started out in a relationship in which both partners were fully self-ware, awake, authentic, open, vulnerable, played no games, had no emotional healing to do. You won the relationship lottery, and you clearly have an amazing and loving relationship with yourself too. BUT if you are a mere mortal, there is really no escaping this type of growing up in a relationship.  Maybe that is why people need solitude and inner-self reflection. It is good for the soul. Maybe that is why people need to balance relationships with time with self too (sometimes lots and lots of time with self).

Maturation and Relating in Healthier Ways

Read this article first, this blog post is essentially a response to that.

Summary of the link:  A detailed list of ways men try to manipulate women, total of approximately 230 items.

I guess because we (spouse and I) are communicating and constantly working on ourselves and in therapy…our relationship is better then some?

It is frustrating to realize because there are still walls we hit that seem to get us stuck and boundaries are always being pointed out with reminders to uphold them (works both ways obviously). I am often so sure we hit a wall with no way through or around it. I am being proven wrong so far but we shall see…So we actually do very little of the things on this list..(less then ten combined…from the pdf download that lists 230)…and call each other on things like blame shifting, dishonesty, manipulation  and moodiness and try to learn to face our emotions in healthier, less destructive ways. Hard in a culture where emotional IQ is dismissed and emotional nurturing for kids and partnerships is ignored. I read a lot of psychology and spiritual material…plus counseling recently…so when I came across this list I was truly shocked that some people treat each other in such horrific ways…but some friends I shared this with told me are all very common behaviors, especially for men in relationships.

Men are of course taught from an early age to repress their emotions even more then girls. I really hope that is not true because if it is then we clearly do live in a very mentally unhealthy culture…But is it shocking since this poor regard for self and others mirrors our poor regard for animals and the environment? Anyhow…here is the list…I really hope the majority of relationships have healthier interactions then this. It makes me very sad. My main struggles are balancing boundaries with personal freedoms of expression…And realizing that freedom and compassion have limits…that is the point of a partnership…otherwise we should just remain single if we want ultimate freedom. Sex positivity has gone too far in our culture. We need to balance those rights with personal responsibility and maturity. As people grow they realize that personal fulfillment comes from looking within…not to external sources. That is the process of maturation. And of course personal compatibility is important. My boundaries will differ from someone else’s because we each have unique needs and limits. Note the link I share I think applies to both genders…but because men are pushed to bury their emotions more in childhood…they will sadly, in all likelihood, have more unhealthy patterns of relating. The process of maturity is facing oneself and healing these emotional blocks that leave us overwhelmed so that we stop relating to one another in such unhealthy ways. So that we turn inwards for fulfillment and choose healthier hobbies vs self-destructive distractions. Turning to each other and having healthy dialogue, and having an open space for sharing negative emotions in healthier ways are all important to healing ourselves and the planet.

Hating oneself: duality and myths of the light and dark

Dark Works Story Laboratory

I should note that eventually…the “dark” worker gets sick of dominating and conquering….the “light” worker gets sick of rescuing.
Shifting duality consciousness means you move onto creating….Hard to get bored when consciousness starts to center on creating and fulfilling one’s soul that benefits themselves and others.
There are a lot of myths about the universe…polarization is what we are here to transcend so we can shift our consciousness.
One myth is that those who want to help others must sacrifice themselves.
This is a Western misconception.
Remember the Taoist roots: the Yin and Yang and balance. Self-sacrifice will not help you grow, it will keep you stuck. Loving oneself is about knowing that love projects from the inside out. That light that shines out helps guide others.
We need to stop fearing and hating our shadows…and the narcissists…they are stuck…that is all. No one can shift their consciousness but themselves. Sometimes the light you shine that comes from your inner darkness can be the seed that helps others take the path to help them get unstuck. But that is all you can do.  Some of them enjoy being stuck for quite some time.  They are moving up and down their emotional scale and getting stuck in self-created misery is the first step to self-awareness and the first nudge needed to get unstuck.
There is no magical Lightworker that can save others. To do so would be to take away anothers power for self-transformation. There is no one who can keep you stuck in your darkness. Others can only manipulate you into believing you cannot get unstuck.
Both light and dark teach us and guide us. We need both.
Loving yourself is not darkness.
Loving yourself is not separation.
The author above is correct in how important it is to love yourself, but he is stuck in a dualistic misconception that self-love is selfish. Selfish is a misguided term. Often people who act from a viewpoint of separation are not acting out of love for self or others. Often they harm themselves. Selfishness is a failed attempt to fill our cup because we disregard our connectedness to everything and everyone. Connectedness does not mean homogeneity….it means that no action happens in a vacuum.  Connectedness is infinite and diverse. Loving ourselves is the first step to loving others. When we love ourselves we find creative ways to fill our own cup without harming others…and often we inspire others to fill their own cup too…hence our inner light shining out and guiding another.
Self-love is the first step to feeling connection…..receiving and giving love
It is the first step to loving and connecting with others…not just humans. Animals understand this balance better then us. They don’t judge themselves for hunting or for being hunted, and for surrendering to death. Animals in fact often appreciate being hunted because it is the weak and/or ill that get hunted and they are ready to leave the physical and return to the 4th dimension.
Humans mess this up by using these natural life/death contracts an excuse to cause and create suffering via factory farming.
He is right that we must turn inward for answers. But turning inward does not mean we are separate from consciousness and divinity.
I think this is where humans got stuck.
The humans seeking light and goodness who turn outwards and who believe that self-sacrifice is needed and noble are just as lost as those who believe they are separate and alone. This is why hell is a self-created consciousness.
This experiment of polarity and duality is dissolving as more people wake up to their own divinity and accept the Yin and Yang of their own soul. Both darkness and light are beautiful and a part of our soul.
But only separation from self and others form the roots of apathy, kills empathy and plants the seeds of evil. At its roots evil is just fear of connection to self and others. You do not fully love yourself until you feel connected to the invisible field that is divine consciousness. Fearing the narcissist is fearing and avoiding the darkness and what it has to teach you.
Lack of self-love leads to poor boundaries from a narcissist and to resentment for others…and eventually self-hate and hate for others. So the narcissist is in our life to teach us boundaries…and eventuality every narcissist is so exhausted from self-created separation from self and others that they start on a new path.  Narcissists lack love for self and others….Yet the myth of selfishness equals self-love perpetuates.
I think the current shift in human consciousness is embracing both our light and dark…both are necessary for growth and transformation.
That is why giving yourself love and accepting our shadows and facing them, letting them go when we have no more to learn from them, is so therapeutic and necessary for health, and personal and global transformation.
Thanking our shadows for teaching us and guiding us. Polarity consciousness is very limiting and what keeps us stuck.
But every time you push against the other…every time the empath fears the narcissist…they get stuck by dis-empowering oneself. Narcissists are stuck but they are not to be feared. They do have the potential for self-awareness and growth but no one can follow the path from unstuck to transcendence but themselves.
Same with the empath who is stuck in a schema of victimization. Part of growth is cultivating gratitude for all of our teachers…accepting and loving our darkness is what opens the door to personal transformation….this is what heals us. Too easy to get stuck in a conditional love of only loving the good in us.
Find the humanity in yourself, in the narcissist, in the empath and then let it go…Letting go means you no longer feel you have to control every person and circumstance to thrive….it means you have the inner strength to be able to grow and thrive from all of life’s challenges.
Letting go is a belief in yourself that you are capable and you can face this life and what is beyond it.